30 October, 2001
B’s house
Today we returned to Aguacete from CIMPA. In the morning, I had to make a presentation in Spanish. I felt a lot of self-loathing and anxiety starting yesterday when they selected groups to make presentations, but I ended up in a group by myself.
I started to list all my faults in my head over and over. Was it that nobody could stand working with me? What part of my social ability was lacking? Why did I suck so badly at making presentations? Maybe there is no one in this entire gig who will like me, and I’ll prove incompetent at everything.
I started to note small things and get really paranoid. Was it just me, or was it always I who approached other people for social interaction? Was it the case that nobody wanted to initiate being friendly with me? My mental environment put me in a worse mood. I became more than merely unhappy, but stupid paranoid and deluded, as well.
Samhain, October 2001
Francisca’s
Aguacete
7:20A
Woke up just a few minutes ago well rested but with an incredibly strong need to pee and poop. Sat down on the cajón and liquid shit started dripping out my ass. Maybe it was something I ate?
[written later in a different color…] Food poisoning from raw salami.
This is a review of my personal journal from my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer in the Dominican Republic in 2001-2003. Even if I feel differently now or found out later that I what I wrote was factually incorrect, I haven’t changed what I wrote then. Part of the joy of reading old journals is seeing a story arc where I’ve learned new things.
Names have been shortened to initials to provide some privacy. Even though those who were there may be able to use these initials to figure out who I wrote about, please remember that my journaling is not about other people or their experience.
- The next entry in this series is Lord, forgive me my sins
- The previous entry in this series is Chasing waterfalls in Mao
- You can see the journal entries as I post them here.
- If you’re just starting, here’s the first entry.
