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Girlfriend or Partner

Date
Mar, 28, 2019
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Due to a recent vacancy, the Dan Kappus Organization (Dank Org) is now accepting applications for the position of “Girlfriend” and/or “Partner.” This is the entry-level appointment in a career ladder with promotion potential to the “Spouse” and “Life mate” job series at full performance level.

Basic requirements for consideration include:

  • Have recent experience with being in relationship
  • Be familiar with partner dancing (e.g. contra, waltz, swing, tango, bachata, blues) or willing to learn
  • Over the age of consent in applicable jurisdiction
  • All mental and physical maladies, if any are present, are currently stabilized through treatment and drugs
  • Generally considered a fully-functional adult human being
  • Kind to service workers
  • Financially self-sufficient and literate
  • Willingness to abstain from the sexual production of children for the entirety of tenure
  • Able, if necessary, to practice an active, affirmative consent model for communicating about sexuality.1

The ideal candidate will embody one or more of the following criteria:

  • Be knowledgeable about consensual non-monogamy, and able to cogently analyze the advantages and disadvantages of monogamy and other relationship styles. (Please note that the Dank Org has retained both monogamists and nonmonogamists in this position in the past.)
  • Ability to follow an agreement about relationship boundaries, e.g. monogamy
  • Able to put up with Dank Org’s many failings, especially self-deprecation
  • Have a personal presentation style that telegraphs function and modesty over fashion, e.g. owns a nonzero number of clothing items with actual usable pockets
  • Challenges fashion and consumerism
  • Willing to travel to contra dance weekends intermittently
  • Has an overall positive sense of self-regard
  • Demonstrates the ability to balance empathy and listening skills with powerfully assertive self-advocacy
  • Familiar, at least vaguely, with Burning Man, 90s rap, Rainbow Family, American countercultural movements of the last fifty years, bdsm subculture, intentional community movement, hippies, punk rock, folk music
  • Likes to try new things
  • Has practical skills to share
  • Interested in food production, storage, and cooking
  • Speaks another language in addition to English
  • Willingness to consider periods of relocation in the long term to a cooperative farm filled with stinky counterculturalists, a socalled “shithole” country, an extended-indefinite bike tour, a Buddhist monastery, the Appalachian trail, or support the Dank Org in these pursuits

Telecommuting may be available for the right candidate. This is a nationwide recruiting effort. International candidates with the right of entry/right to work in the US may be considered.

No pay. Exempt position. Subject to probationary period. Not an EEO employer, though women candidates from historically underrepresented groups encouraged to apply, along with nonbinary individuals.

dan.kappus@gmail.com

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