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Benediction for an omniverous ex-housemate

Date
Jun, 26, 2001
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dear person
who ties knots in plastic bags
who blames me for the messes
who did not appreciate the furniture i bought
who did not like my friends
who did not like my music
who looked at my food with great suspicion
who invited me to live here on the basis of friendship —

you were not very friendly in what you did to me.
you were graceful like a bagel that lands on its jelly-parts,
you were kind like a mosquito,
you were compassionate like a bureaucrat,
and
you have now asked me to leave.

God may grant that you are happy,
that you prosper,
and live a fulfilling and long life.

I, on the other hand, would grant you something entirely different that you should hope not to find out about.

I find that I do not wear long flowing robes did n
not create the world in a week (or thereabouts)
am neither omniscient nor omnipotent and cannot forgive all your shortcomings.

Perhaps it’s good that I am not an all loving force who forgives all you sins. The list of things I would do to you were I omnipotent is too long to list here.

May hordes of animal rights protesters descend on your kitchen and remove all the dead cow parts from the neatly knotted plastic bags forcing you to eat roughage! 
May what good friends you have declare themselves to be no friends at all!
May the ghosts of the effort I put into making a home here keep you from sleep!
May your future housemates forever remind you of me.

dan.kappus@gmail.com

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